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Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Now hiring...

I want to hire someone who has no experience, no training, and who has said they’re not interested in the job. I want to hire this person because our organization is currently not perfect. Our results have been good, but not perfect, so we need a change. We need someone who is not qualified for the job to take us to perfection. No one else in our industry is perfect either, but that doesn’t stop us from expecting perfect results. We’ll replace non-perfect performers the moment they make the smallest mistake.

Now, when we hire someone we don’t expect them to be perfect. We don’t tell them that they will be fired if they’re not perfect. As soon as they are working for us, however, the rules change. From that point, they must look perfect at all times, and only perfect results in every possible aspect of performance will be tolerated. You will be replaced with someone who has proven, at another imperfect organization, that they are not perfect either. But we think they will be perfect once they work for us, even though you are not and weren’t when we hired you.

Oh, although we expect perfection, we will restrict your ability to achieve perfect results by not allowing you to choose your own assistants, not providing you with support, and only allowing you limited access to your employees.

Anyone interested in this position, do not contact us directly. Tell someone else that you’re interested and hopefully we’ll believe that you are, in fact, serious. But no foreigners. Even if you are interested in us, we’re probably not interested in you, because we really, really, want to hire someone who is totally unqualified, has no experience, and has said they are not interested in the job.

We are: a) A multi-national corporation, b) A government agency, or c) The England Rugby Team. (hint: the answer is The England Rugby Team)

If anyone can explain to me why England want to hire Martin Johnson, please do. I understand he was a great player, but even he has said that being a national team player doesn't qualify you to coach or manage a team. Am I missing something here?

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